motherless

once i was a child and then with no warning a child without a mother. my life went from happy to an earth shattering low. the tears wouldnt fall. the face wouldnt smile. my life as i knew it was over. noone could have prepared me for what my next life was going to be like. i had no choices. i wasnt allowed to mourn. my anger started to flare and my saddness settled in. i started writing during the year she was sick. letters to my mother asking her not to leave me and letters to my god asking him not to let her die. i was so young and the only way i could handle my life as i knew it was to write. all i did was write. write about my pain. write about my saddness. write about my anger. books and books i wrote just on my feelings alone. noone to talk to. noone that understood. this was so new to me. 12 years old and my mother had just died. why? i just wanna no why? i have searched for closure for over 25 years and still a part of me is missing. a hole thats unfufilled. a little girl trapped in a womans body. i dont think i will ever outgrow that pain. it all seems like yesturday!!